BREAST CANCER HUSBAND fills a gap in breast cancer literature. It is the first comprehensive book to address the role and the needs of husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends. This invaluable guide offers critical information from prominent health-care professionals and from over 100 couples who have fought breast cancer together. The book covers everything from how to help your wife sort through her surgical options to what to say when she says, "Cancer sucks." (Hint: trying to cheer her up isn't always the right response. Better to follow the breast cancer husband's motto: "Shut up and listen.")

In Silver's reporting, he found that many men feel overwhelmed and frustrated when the news of a diagnosis comes. The typical male reaction: He was to "fix it." Of course, no husband can "fix" breast cancer.

But that doesn't mean a man is powerless. In fact, newly published studies show that the support of a loved one can be critical when it comes to coping with the stress of treatments-and may even improve a patient's survival odds. The problem is, the man typically hasn't a clue how to be a good caregiver. And his instincts may lead him in the wrong direction.

At diagnosis, couples are thrown into a world with a confusing array of options and very few easy answers. BREAST CANCER HUSBAND eases that feeling of helplessness by arming men with a glossary of medical terms, checklists of questions for doctors, information about breast reconstruction, tips on coping with the side effects and aftereffects of chemotherapy, and guidance for breaking the news to the kids (as well as how to deal with parents and in-laws who meddle too much, or who may be afraid to say anything to the wife.) Above all, BREAST CANCER HUSBAND helps men understand that caregiving isn't about them. It's about figuring out what their wives need. And those needs may change from day to day, even from hour to hour.

The book tackles head-on topics that doctors sometimes shy away from: sex and death. Silver talks frankly about the impact of breast cancer and its treatments on a couple's sex life. ("We had oral sex," one husband says of the months when his wife was going through chemo. "We just talked about it.") The book also discusses how to re-establish sexual intimacy once surgery and chemotherapy are completed.

In chapters on metastatic disease and on dying, Silver introduces brave women and men who are their experiences, and interviews mental health experts who provide insights into the art of living under the shadow of death. The chapter on dying also includes a moving interview with Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Carol Shields, who died of breast cancer in 2003.

The men and women who have battled breast cancer are the heart and soul of this book. They come from all walks of life-truck drivers, construction workers, lawyers, doctors. They are average Joes and famous individuals, like football star Chris Spielman and actor Michael Tucker. And in every case, their support can make a tremendous difference. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor recalls how she asked her husband to come with her to doctor's appointments because "she needed ears other than my own."

These couples have survived breast cancer with tears and with laughter. Because wouldn't you know it-medical science has proven that a sense of humor can help couples cope.



Table of Contents


PART I: DEALING WITH THE DIAGNOSIS
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Unwelcome to the World of Breast Cancer
What to do in those frantic early days

Do Men Walk Out?
Most don't, but there is more than one way to abandon your wife.

Caregiving 101
A practical guide for clueless guys

Your Wife's Feelings
Why it's better to hear than to cheer

Your Feelings
You know you've got 'em, but should you share or conceal?

The Flustered Father
When-and what-to tell your kids

Defusing Family Friction
What to do if parents (hers or yours) are causing tension

Help Wanted: Appointment Pal
Your job at the doctor's office


PART II: TREATMENT AND BEYOND
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Surgical Options
A crash course for husbands

Your Pre-Op Instructions
What to expect at the hospital

Missing a Breast
The impact of a mastectomy

Booby Trap
As your wife weighs breast replacement options, just shut up and listen

The Intimate Details
Everything you always wanted to know about sex and breast cancer

Infusion Confusion
A guide for the bewildered spouse

Coping with Chemo
A caregiver's tool kit includes medical reminders, hard candy, and back rubs

Unconventional Cancer Care
How couples navigate complementary and alternative therapies

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Helping your wife handle her hair loss

Radiation: The Daily Dose
Side effects vary, but the need for support is constant

Mysteries of Metastatic Disease
Living with uncertainty-and with hope

Facing Death
Holding on, letting go

The New Normal
Breast cancer survivors-–and their mates–face an unfamiliar future